I Miss Her...and That's Okay.

First off, I want to say that the service on Friday was beautiful. Just beautiful. Exactly what Grandma would have wanted. So to everyone who helped make that happen, thank you.

To those who sent flowers...cards...food...money...thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I am still relishing in the comfort and love that we have found in our family and friends. What an amazing group of people you are.

Honestly, I had no clue how this was going to impact me. I thought I was going to be a "big girl." I mean, I had tinkered with the reality of Grandma being 90...and I thought I had prepared myself for what was to come. And, even though I didn't expect it so soon, I thought I would be ready whenever that day arrived. Wow...was I fooling myself, or what?! I am finding gratitude in the brokenness and sadness...because it simply confirms to me that I had a beautiful relationship with my Grandma Victory--and that is something I will cherish for the rest of my life. She was with us almost everywhere we went--church, work, parties, holidays, picnics, boat rides, the Fair, the Farm, Memorial weekends, vacations...the list goes on. She was a huge part of our little family--Dad, Mom, Steph, Me...and Grandma. And I am so very happy that I can remember taking her to doctor appointments...then going to lunch...getting pedicures with her...and sometimes doing her toes myself...being there to have her taken to the hospital...and holding her in my arms--just last week. Thank you, Jesus, for every single moment I had with her.

So day by day, I will continue to grieve...I will continue to be sad...I will continue to cry...and that's okay. Healing will come. It will.

Thanks to my amazing husband, amazing babies, amazing parents, amazing sister, amazing brother-in-law, amazing nephew, amazing grandparents, amazing aunts, amazing uncles, amazing cousins, amazing church family, and amazing friends, I have been comforted throughout one of the biggest storms in my life.


I have had so many people tell me..."She's not hurting anymore."
"Sarah, she's in a better place."
"She lived a long life, and you were lucky to have her as long as you did."
"Don't be upset, everything is gonna be okay."

And, while I appreciate the consolation, I also want people to understand that I miss Grandma...and that's perfectly okay. All of us have our own ways of mourning...and right now, I just need to miss her. And tomorrow, I will miss her...and the next day...AND IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO MISS HER.

It's still so unreal to me right now. Every time I go somewhere, the memories just start flooding in...walking into to Walmart...even though it wasn't a place we frequented together often, it made me dwell on those few occasions that I did go with her.

Going to church today was a killer. Even though she hadn't actually been attending regularly since January, her absence today was unequivocal. And the memories of her sitting there in the middle aisle in her wheelchair--just two weeks ago--were overwhelming. I felt like I got punched in the gut all over again.

Having dinner at mom's...roast, mashed potatoes & gravy, broccoli & cauliflower with cheese sauce, and rolls...she should have been sitting right there next to me, in her regular spot...but she wasn't.

I had the Missions lesson tonight at church...and while she hasn't been my Secretary since last May, I kept looking down in her pew, hoping to see her sitting there writing...but she wasn't.

I will close with sharing just one instance of how weird this has been for all of us:
As I was sitting there at the cemetery on Friday, watching them lower the casket into the vault, my mom walked up behind me with her purse on her arm and said, "Are you ready? Where's your Grandm--..." We just looked at each other in silence, let the tears roll, then took deep breaths and walked away...without Grandma.

Missing her with all my heart,
Sarah