...Must Be That Time

Saturday afternoon, Dad started telling Mom, "Hey, I'd like to stop by and see my mom--..."

Ouch.

We had a BBQ at Bub's house Saturday night. When Sam & I left, I wasn't tired, but I wasn't bursting with energy. I just wasn't ready to go home yet. We were in the van, we couldn't decide where to go or what to do, and I told Sam, "Hey, let's go see GGV--..."

Ouch, again.

Dad smiled through the pain yesterday when he had all three kids in the van on the way home from church; naturally, he drove down Seneca, and when they passed the trailer, Maya, with her arms folded and grumpy nose wrinkled up said, "Why doesn't GGV come to church with us anymore?"

OUCH!

At dinner yesterday, Steph was saying how much Grandma had been on her mind...and how much she just wanted to go visit her.

All of us in the same weekend...longing to feel her presence, hear her voice, smell her scent.

Must just be that time...Spring...Palm Sunday...Good Friday...Easter. All of those were very special times for us with Grandma. Meeting her out in the front yard and smelling the flowers. Loving the hymns at church around this season. Having Dad help her hammer a nail into the cross for the Good Friday service. And dressed her best on Easter Sunday. So beautiful, so happy. Just the way she was.

Words fail to impart the pain right now. Lamenting an ocean doesn't mollify the hurt. Don't let the praying cease, please. We still need you.

I am so thankful I was there to love her to Heaven, to be with her as she found her way. As each day transpires, I feel more distant from her. I don't want anyone to forget her. A month has passed since she physically left this world. Four weeks since I held her in my arms at the hospital as she sobbed on my shoulder. Whether I like it or not, forgetting is a symptom of time...but I opine, technically, I'm that much closer to her, right? I'm closer to my biological end today than I was yesterday. We all are, which means we'll get to see GGV and everyone else in our lives who are dancing on streets of gold!

And that brings me to the one thing that I can't question: Grandma is with Jesus. She is in the place of perfect, sacred love, a place where we all better strive to be, eventually. Astride that truth, all my inquisitions must fall. 1) Heaven is real. 2) She is there. 3) I want to see her again. 4) Jesus tells us to stand firm, to believe and obey Him to get there. 5) So I must stand firm, believe, and obey Him until I get my answers face-to-face.

Aaahh, faith.

Within, even when we're without.

xoxo,

Sarah

Hey God~

My heart won't stop hurting. My tears won't stop flowing. My thoughts won't divert to anything...except her. It always happens on Sunday. I cry myself through church...and I struggle making it through the day. The harder I try to stop thinking about her, the more the memories flood my mind. Let her know that Maya and Gus ask about her -- every day. And, obviously, so does everyone else. Please continue to surround us all with Your comfort and Your peace. It still hurts. Please give her a hug and kiss from me, today. I miss her so much right now.